By: Paul at KINK3D
Locktober is well under way! We wanted to take the opportunity to kick off a series of blog posts covering the fundamentals of chastity. After all, it's on a lot of people’s minds right now. Whether you’re an experienced pro or someone who’s only recently become aware of it, we hope we can broaden your idea of what chastity is, and, more importantly, how you might find it fulfilling to bring into your life and relationships.
As a quick introduction, my name is Paul and I’m the COO of KINK3D. I’ve been with the company since early 2021, and over time I've participated in a huge variety of roles, ranging from shipping to customer service to inventory planning and much more. I’ve also traveled around the world attending events — typically ones where we offer sizing services. Getting to meet and interact with literally thousands of people from all walks of life, I’ve learned a lot about chastity, and I’m really excited to share some of what I’ve learned with you.
Chastity vs Chastity Device
Chastity and using a chastity device aren’t exactly the same thing. Chastity is a concept — an idea — and a chastity device is a tool that can be used to engage with that larger idea. But you don’t need a device to engage with chastity. You can practice chastity (whether on your own or with someone else) without a device at all. And you can define for yourself what chastity means for you and how you want it to be a part of your life.
A device can be really useful on a chastity journey, but we think it’s important not to focus solely on the device. No device is perfect, and there can sometimes be real and important reasons not to wear one. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you can’t still engage with chastity.
Lastly, a chastity device can be a meaningful symbol, beyond its physical purpose of restraining the penis. For some people or some couples, this symbolism can be the most important part of what wearing a cage is all about.
Survey
A few years ago, we were about to attend our first event where we'd be giving a presentation on chastity. By this time, we thought we had a pretty good handle on the broad outlines of chastity as a kink. But we still wanted to ask our community about their experiences before doing the presentation, to make sure we weren’t missing important things or misrepresenting the ways people engage with our products. We invited users to tell us what chastity means to them and how they use it in their lives and relationships.
When we posted the survey, we were blown away by the responses. The number, the thoughtfulness, and the diversity of the replies really was amazing. It not only reinforced our sense of the truly important role that chastity plays in the lives of our audience, but also expanded our idea of what chastity can be about.
As we reviewed everything, we realized chastity often falls into several major thematic areas. These aren’t strict definitions and they certainly aren’t exclusive. But we think these areas are useful in helping people get their heads around the very big concept that is chastity.
Ways People Use Chastity
The most classic way that people think about chastity in the fetish world is orgasm denial. That's something we touched on recently in our Locktober Countdown post. But there are so many other roles that chastity can play. In this post, we'll divide these roles into two realms: the personal and the relational.
Personal roles can include:
- personal motivation
- gender affirmation
- personal sexual/sensual exploration
Relational roles can include:
- relationship symbolism
- relationship sexual/sensual exploration
- dom/sub and BDSM-focused kink
Personal Motivation
For some people, chastity is a great way to motivate themselves to accomplish a variety of goals. This is often coupled with a desire for self-control, especially connected to masturbation. Masturbation isn't a bad thing — far from it! — but we hear from people (often on the younger side) who jack off more than they actually want to, but can't figure out how to stop. Often they may want to do something else with that time and energy, like work out, study, or date.
Chastity is one way to accomplish both goals — stop the behavior they don’t want, and redirect that energy towards the behavior they do want. Whether people are looking to delay gratification until after they accomplish their goal or just learn to be less addicted to something that's taking up too much space in their day, chastity can be a huge help.
Gender Affirmation
For trans people, chastity can be a gender-affirming way to engage with their body. A chastity device can change the way the penis looks or feels, often by compressing, hiding, or deemphasizing it. By taking control in a direct and meaningful way, some people feel more at home with themselves. And feeling good about yourself and your body is incredibly empowering.
Personal Sensual/Sexual Exploration
Chastity can be a great way to explore sensuality and sexuality. Importantly, chastity is not the same as abstinence. As we use the term, abstinence is about refraining from all sex or sexual activity. Chastity is very different: It's about restricting the traditional use and enjoyment of the penis — but in a targeted way, one that often unleashes other forms of sexuality in the process!
When people lock their penises away, they can get very creative in finding other outlets for their sexual energy. One of the most common things we hear is that people will shift their focus to other erogenous zones. In fact, many people set themselves a goal of denying their normal outlet of release to the point that they can have orgasms in other ways (e.g. anal orgasms or "assgasms" from toys or fisting).
If that’s not for you, there are other ways you can still explore. For inspiration, check out r/ghostpenis on Reddit for some truly remarkable demonstrations of the human mind-body connection! We’ve even had people tell us they get so aroused that nipple play alone can make them orgasm.
Relationship Symbolism
Relationship symbolism often involves visible signifiers such as wedding rings. Symbols like this are not only a powerful reminder for the participants themselves, but also a quick and identifiable way to express the status of being part of a defined and meaningful relationship to the surrounding community.
In the kink world, a collar is a common way to show that you are part of a relationship dynamic. Whether it's leather, a chain, or a chain with a lock, the collar is a physical manifestation of a commitment.
Chastity devices can work the same way, forming a powerful physical and emotional bond between the wearer and the keyholder. We’ve even heard from people who've included a special new cage as part of their wedding ceremony. If you like it, put a ring (and cage) on it!
Relationship Sensual/Sexual Exploration
Beyond symbolism, chastity can be a wonderful way to redirect energy in a relationship — most commonly by redirecting one’s sexual energy towards a partner. For some people, this means taking their energy and putting it into pleasing the other person, focusing on their partner’s body, as well their desires and needs.
For others, it means finding new and fun ways to engage with each other. Maybe going from being a top to a bottom. Or maybe bringing toys into the mix. Or pegging. Creativity has few bounds.
There are also subs and bottoms who prefer to have their penises completely ignored during play. For them, chastity becomes a boundary that reinforces their desire to focus entirely on their other erogenous zones. This can heighten the psychological and physical aspects of submission, while keeping their pleasure centered elsewhere. The cage also sends a clear message to the top: “don’t touch this.”
One thing in particular that we’d like to highlight about chastity when it comes to interpersonal relationships is that it’s not just for subs and bottoms. Many tops express a reluctance to even think about trying chastity — in a But I’m a cheerleader kind of way. Yet these tops are often intrigued when we tell them locking up in a cage can be better than Viagra. Having a device on, refraining from sex or masturbation, can really rev up the engine. We often suggest that someone can lock up on date night or an anniversary just for the day. If you try this, you will likely be very ready to have fun that night.
Not everyone who enjoys chastity practices longterm. Some people only lock up for a scene, a weekend, or a specific play session. For them, chastity is about the thrill, the playfulness, the control, and the intensity that comes from temporary denial, rather than a lifestyle commitment. It can still be just as meaningful, sexy, and satisfying, even if it only lasts a few hours.
Dom/sub & BDSM Kinks
Lastly, chastity can be a powerful way to engage with a dom/sub dynamic. When using a device, someone literally gives control of their body to another, creating an experience that can be deeply gratifying, meaningful, and intimate. Subs can enjoy the psychological intensity of surrender, while doms can gain the same sense of connection and trust. Some doms even lock themselves up to show that their pleasure belongs to their sub, or to experience some of the personal motivations mentioned earlier, like building up horniness, adding another layer of shared meaning and play.
Conclusion
This is by no means a comprehensive dive into chastity! In fact, it’s only the tip of a very large and wonderful iceberg. We hope it has given you something to think about and broadened your concept of what chastity is — and what it could be for you.
If you think you have a perspective to share on our blog that would resonate with our community, and you’re excited to write about it, get in touch and pitch us on your idea!