By: Peter Cage (Guest Writer)
Peter Cage (@petercagenyc on X/Twitter and Bluesky) is a New York-based kink educator and community organizer. He's the founder of LOCKED at Rockbar NYC, the city’s monthly chastity social, and a passionate advocate for creating safer, more inclusive spaces for kinksters to connect in real life.
Why I Started LOCKED
People ask me all the time why I founded LOCKED, the monthly Chastity Social at Rockbar in New York City, which has been going strong for the past 18 months (it’s the second Tuesday of every month at 7pm). My short answer is that it helps folks who are into chastity meet and connect with each other in a safe, inclusive, and low-key social space.
But there’s a lot more to it than that, so here’s the longer version of that answer:
The Power and Pain of Desire
It goes almost without saying that being locked in chastity increases sexual desire. When you’re locked up and no longer have access to the quick fix of orgasm, your desire intensifies and broadens. The tickle of desire that begins in your crotch grows, taking over your whole body with surging energy. Many of us use that energy as motivation to improve our lives. We set goals, workout routines, meditation regimens, and work on personal habits. We gain a (paradoxical) sense of control and agency in our lives and talk about being locked up as a virtue, the key to our self-actualization. And our increased sexual desire leads us to engage in more adventurous sex with other people, rather than turning to our own hand to relieve the pent-up frustration. For my part, I’ve discovered whole new kinks that I would never have dared to try without the intense, desperate desire that comes with a life in chastity.
This increased desire is often framed as a wonderful part of our kink, and it’s true that when our intensified desire is fulfilled, the pleasure we experience is also proportionately monumental. This can be as simple as the physical experience of saving up for a few weeks and enjoying the massive orgasm that follows. Or it can be more abstract: for years I dreamed of having a keyholder and Owner to control me, but only after I learned to stay locked on my own did I find the courage and motivation to connect with a Dom. It was the increased desire, provided by time in chastity, that led me to pursue my goal, and the pleasure and satisfaction that I get from that dynamic are greater than any orgasm I could ever dream of.
Peter Cage with keyholder Jasper Reid
But increased desire can also be incredibly painful, and incredibly lonely. We only want what we do not have, and existing in a state of constant desire keeps our brains focused on what we’re missing. When I was younger, I desperately wanted to be a slutty bottom, but I was shy, inexperienced, and insecure. When I wasn’t locked up, I’d feel my desire bubble up along with my insecurity, and I’d quickly masturbate to rid my brain of those feelings. But when I was locked in chastity, I had to sit with my own desire, focus on what I was missing, and feel the pain of being lonely.
This loneliness is also compounded by the specific properties of chastity. Unlike many kinks, wearing a chastity cage is something we often do in secret under our clothes, as we go about our lives, a secret that exists not just in our heads but attached to our bodies. Some folks keep that secret from nearly everyone they know, even those closest to them. At times, this disconnect between the world we live in and our secret desire can grow to a kind of existential agony. We become convinced that our desires are so strange, so extreme, and so impossible that they can never be fulfilled, and we nurse those desires like a sort of festering wound.
This conflicted pain defined my experience in my teens and twenties, before there was a thriving chastity community online and before I gained the confidence to ask for what I really want. I remember a time when I thought I would never be able to share this kink with anyone, ever, for my whole life.
The Limits of Online Connection
Now, major fetish sites like Sniffies, Scruff, and Recon feature chastity as an established kink, and brands like KINK3D produce practical, high-quality cages, so there’s a broader acceptance of this lifestyle, at least on the internet. But connecting online comes with its own liabilities. The body politics of online communities can be incredibly oppressive and leave many folks out. Quick posts favor shallow engagement over meaningful connection. And relying on companies like X and Meta as the platforms for our community—massive capitalist corporations with no commitment to inclusive queer politics—is both tenuous and temporary.
This is why we need safe, inclusive community spaces to connect with each other in the real world, spaces that are sex-positive but that can foster bonds of community and friendship that aren’t only about getting off. This is why I founded LOCKED Chastity Social and why I’m so excited that chastity socials are taking off in other cities around the world!
From left to right: Chipper, Peter Cage, Jordan Rutter-Covatto, Jimmy, and Jeff, at LOCKED
Inside a Night at LOCKED
Let me tell you a little bit about LOCKED. Rockbar is located on Christopher Street, the same street as Stonewall, in the historic West Village neighborhood of New York—one of the oldest gay neighborhoods in the United States. It’s on the far west side of Manhattan, near the Hudson River, so it’s a bit off the beaten path—perfect for folks who want to gather for a kink event without risking coworkers showing up. The bar is small, warm, divey, and friendly, with strong drinks and a cruisy trough urinal in the bathroom. Almost every night has a theme, ranging from kink events, to drag shows, to Disney movie night and horror trivia.
At 7pm on Tuesday, when the party starts, the bar is quiet. There are a few folks there early having a beer after work, but the crowd is low-key. I arrive and strip to my thong and sneakers, and slowly start chatting with people. There’s a clothes check available, but this early most folks are just in work clothes. By 8pm the party is picking up, and some folks are starting to disrobe. Some have their shirts off, some are in gear of all kinds. Anyone who shows me that they’re locked up gets a free drink ticket, so there’s a playful energy in the room with everyone flashing cages and showing off. When KINK3D released the Viper, everyone crowded around to see one of the first models in person. People compare cages and sizes and start to chat. Keyholders also get a drink ticket if they’re wearing the key, and if there’s a couple (or throuple+), the keyholder gets the tickets and the subs have to earn them.
By 9pm the bar is pretty crowded, and each month I get up on stage to welcome everyone, make a few announcements, and go over the Four Core Values that structure our gathering, a little ritual that sets the tone for the community. Here they are:
1. Inclusiveness: Everyone who is interested in chastity is welcome to attend, regardless of their race, ethnicity, sex, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age*, ability, body type, experience-level, etc. (*the bar is 21+). If someone is interested in chastity, even if they’ve never tried it and don’t know much about it, they are welcome in our space.
2. Body positivity: This is worth talking about beyond the general umbrella of inclusiveness. Chastity fantasies sometimes place bodies into hierarchies. We say things like, “my nub is so tiny it only belongs locked in a cage” or “I’m so weak and pathetic, I could never be a real man like you.” These ideas are hot, but the truth is, bodies do not exist in hierarchies. Every body is equally worthy of love, desire, pleasure, inclusion, standing, recognition and respect.
3. Consent: It seems simple, but people get it wrong all the time. Never touch someone unless you are 100% certain they want to be touched in that way. Sometimes cruising culture and our desire for spontaneous, non-verbal connection can scramble our understanding of how consent works in queer spaces. Yes, it is possible to give and receive consent without speaking, but if there is any doubt whatsoever that someone wants to be touched, you have to ask verbally before you touch them.
4. Intersectionality: We are all complicated humans who arrive with our own histories, interests, moods, obsessions, and insecurities, and many of us have lots of kinks beyond chastity. Whatever your perspective, your whole self is welcome, even the parts that might not fit in perfectly. If you’re a sissy, or a rubber drone, or a diaper boy, or a leather daddy, don’t leave those things at home, bring them and share your perspective.
After the announcements are done, we turn the lights down and the party gets a bit more playful. By this time, a lot of the folks who were in work clothes earlier are in jocks or less, and everyone seems very relaxed. We open the dark room for folks who want to connect sexually, and lots of folks pair off or break into groups to play a bit. We hang out until midnight or so and then wind down. By the end I’m usually very tired—and very happy.
A Community Worth Building
Being the steward of this community is one of the great joys of my life. Over the last year and a half I’ve forged new friendships and connected with new lovers. We’ve done gear exchanges, competitions, impact play night, and rope bondage night. Sniffies filmed an episode of Cruising Confessions there, and we even did a live recording of the Chastity Pod podcast with DenieDumpling and Locked Fist Monster. I get messages all the time from folks who met their new keyholder there, or their new sub.
DenieDumpling and Locked Fist Monster recording Chastity Pod at LOCKED
For Locktober last year we did a special finale party to end the month where five boys got on stage with buzzy wands to see who could have a caged orgasm first. We even spun off another party, PERV, which captures the same playful, inclusive energy, but more focused on play and sex (it’s the last Friday of the month at 10pm, also at Rockbar).
Each month I’m amazed and inspired by the people who attend. There are a lot of regulars, even a few folks who have been to all 19 parties, and there are always new friendly faces too. Some folks seem right at home, while others seem a bit shy and nervous—exactly like me a few years back. I always try to greet everyone I can, and learn their stories, and I encourage people to step outside their comfort zone to chat with folks who are there alone, or seem shy. We are all so different, but we’re all there because we share the same strange and wonderful kink, and with a little effort, we can all help each other feel a little less isolated, and a little less alone.
Want more of Peter Cage? You can hear him on the Sniffies Podcast and Chastity Pod, where he dives even deeper into kink, community, and chastity.